The Hidden Math of Everyday Choices

In life and business, we don’t often talk clearly enough about trade-offs. I mean say out loud: “If I make this decision, these things will/won’t happen.”

I was reminded of this during a catch-up with an old friend. We were giving each other the “haven't talked to you in six-months" update. She asked about the kids and work, and suddenly, very clearly, I laid out my tradeoffs in one breath. And it felt surprisingly good. Naming them made me realize: these are my choices. Now I get to decide if I’m okay with them.

So, I'll share two of them with you: 

Choice: Being available and present with my kids.
After-school care and a weekly babysitter? Yes. A nanny who cooks and eats dinner with them? No. That’s how I grew up — first with a nanny, then as a latch-key kid — and I want something different for my kids. I want a career flexible enough, especially with today’s technology, to let me be around. When I had a high-pressure job in Rwanda, I worked through dinner several nights a week, and I learned quickly that it didn’t work for me.

Tradeoff: I don’t have the bandwidth for the kind of workweeks that lead to big titles or a fast-scaling, multimillion-dollar company. (I’m not even sure I want that — but either way, it’s not possible for me right now.) I don’t love that my husband is the primary earner, for now. I’m still ambitious, but not at the cost of health or family time the way I was five years ago.

Choice: A life that isn’t constantly stressful.
I know myself: if I’m in a high-pressure environment, I’ll go all-in, try to be the best — and burn out. I could work on that. But at this stage, with the kids the age they are, I like being able to do the life admin, get to the gym, learn Dutch, and not feel my heartrate spiking all the time.

Right now, for our family, it doesn’t seem possible for both parents to work 40+ hours. And I care more than my husband about certain details — the after-school snack, keeping the household running.

Tradeoff: There are two here. First, the feminist, gender-specialist side of me struggles a lot with this tradeoff. There’s a tension between the part of me that’s happy with my choices and the part that really does want my kids to have that snack. I'm just sitting with it for now.

Second, we live in the Netherlands. A country where our salaries stretch further, and in a culture that’s less competitive, less capitalist. That brings many wonderful things, but it also means being further from family and friends, fewer local opportunities and the need to be more creative in my work. And it also means wrestling with Dutch homework I’d rather skip...

What I've most thought about after saying this all this out loud, is how rarely we do it. Maybe because it feels like admitting we’re “less ambitious.” Maybe because we’ve been told we should want or being able to have everything at once. Or because once we name them, we then might have to do something about it.

But whether you name them or not, you’re making tradeoffs every day. Writing this feels more personal than what I've shared in a while. But I think that's the point. Naming tradeoffs is uncomfortable, and still worth doing.

My question for then is: are your tradeoffs the right ones for you, right now?

If you name your tradeoffs, let me know in comments! I really want to know.